


Road Kill

by haruka



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, Sailormoon - Fandom
Genre: Humour, Sailormoon, Shitennou
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-11-01
Updated: 2004-11-01
Packaged: 2017-10-03 08:08:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haruka/pseuds/haruka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A road trip as only the Shitennou can do it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Road Kill

In answer to a 'road trip' writing challenge, this is an alternate universe Sailormoon story featuring the Shitennou. Not necessarily canon.

Road Kill

By Haruka (haruka@ymail.com)

\--

"I want to drive."

"No. Get in the car, Zoisite."

"But Kunzite-samaaaa …!"

Jadeite and Nephrite shared another long-suffering look. At this rate, their weekend road trip would never even begin.

"But I CAN drive!" Zoisite, the youngest of the Shitennou whined and stamped his foot. "Why should Nephrite get to drive?"

"Because it's MY CAR!" Nephrite interrupted before their ever-so-patient leader could reply. Kunzite's icy blue glare lit on him briefly, then turned back to his tempestuous little lover.

"Nephrite's right. His car, he drives, at least until he's willing to turn it over voluntarily."

Zoisite pouted prettily. "Why do we have to do this at all? Can't we just teleport to our destination?"

"You know why, Zoi -- you were at the debriefing with the rest of us," Jadeite reminded him. "The sun spots have been messing with our teleports on Earth. It's too dangerous until they've passed."

Nephrite got into the driver's seat. "I'm through reasoning with the child -- let's get going!"

Green fire flashed in Zoisite's eyes. "I'm only three years younger than YOU, you arrogant MMPH!" The small-framed young man found his protest cut off by a firm kiss from Kunzite.

"Get in the back seat, Zoisite," the High King of the Shitennou told him.

\--

Nephrite loved driving, and he knew that he looked good doing it, especially in his sports car. Unfortunately, that was a two-seater, so he couldn't use it for this particular trip unless he wanted to strap two of the other Kings to the hood. Not that that idea was particularly unappealing, especially if one of them was Zoisite. He really didn't like having the bad-tempered, volatile brat at his back.

Beside him, Kunzite was trying to read a road map, with Jadeite peering over his shoulder. "So if we take this road here, we should cut an hour off of our time." He pointed.

"It might be a shorter route, but the speed limit is lower there," Kunzite told him.

"Speed limit?" Zoisite remarked, twirling a piece of butterscotch-coloured hair around one finger. "What's that?"

Nephrite stared at him in the rear-view mirror. "I thought you said you knew how to drive!"

"I do, it was just a joke," Zoisite stuck out his tongue at the mirror. "Lighten up."

Nephrite wondered whether or not that was the truth, but decided to let it go. He turned on the radio and found a station that played classical music.

"Oh no, no way, you are NOT subjecting the rest of us to that stuff!" Zoisite claimed and crawled half-way over the seat to fiddle with the dial.

"Hey, don't change that!" Nephrite protested.

"I think I have to agree with Zoi this time," Jadeite said. "How about a country station?"

"THAT'S not agreeing with me!" Zoisite scoffed. "I want rock!"

"I'll hit you with one if you don't get back there!" Nephrite threatened, blowing Zoisite's hair from his mouth. "You're interfering with my driving!"

"You can't be that good a driver if you're that easily distracted," Zoisite retorted, then grinned as he finally found a rock station and turned it up. Kunzite reached over and turned it back down to a level that passing planes wouldn't hear. Zoisite didn't argue, he just sat back with a self-satisfied look on his face.

"You spoil him rotten, you know," Nephrite grumped at the white-haired King.

"He doesn't always get his way," Kunzite replied. "But if something like this makes him happy, it's not a big deal."

"Even if the rest of us have to put up with it, too?"

Zoisite tugged Nephrite's long auburn hair from behind. "Don't be such an old lady!"

"Don't DO that!" Nephrite complained, pulling his hair forward so that it was on his side of the seat. "I'm trying to drive!"

"Skunk!" Zoisite yelled.

"Hey!" Nephrite protested.

"No, stupid, in the road!" Zoisite screamed and pointed. "SKUNK!"

\--

"Ew, ew, ew!" Zoisite complained. "It STINKS in here!"

"It'll air out," Kunzite replied, but had to make an effort not to wrinkle his nose at the smell himself.

"If Nephrite had been looking where he was going, this wouldn't have happened," Zoisite stated. "You should let me drive."

"It's YOUR fault I didn't see the skunk until it was too late!" Nephrite exploded. "And you're not driving my car!"

"Murderer. You killed that disgusting, smelly animal."

Nephrite gnashed his teeth. "Keep it up and I may kill another one."

The youngest King sat bolt upright. "How dare you, you bas--!"

"Zoisite!" Kunzite barked. "Stop it! You too, Nephrite! What's done is done."

Jadeite tried to make himself comfortable in his corner of the seat and closed his eyes. With any luck he could grab some sleep and not have to listen to any of them.

\--

Kunzite was grateful for the short respite from arguing. Zoisite seemed content to hum along with the radio for a while, Jadeite was napping, and Nephrite's death-grip on the wheel anytime Zoisite opened his mouth had eased off so that his knuckles were no longer white. All was well, at least for a few minutes.

He allowed himself to think about their last audience with Queen Beryl, when she had sent them all out to try and track down the Sailor Senshi at their last reported location. The Youma spies had determined that the girls had taken a trip and would be staying at a resort for at least two weeks -- plenty of time for them to catch up and destroy them when they least expected it. Providing, of course, that they all survived this road trip.

"I'm hungry!" Zoisite piped up.

Nephrite looked about to protest, then thought better of it. He looked at Kunzite and shrugged. "What can I say? I could use something myself."

"Fine with me." Kunzite consulted his map. "There should be a truck stop coming up before too long."

Zoisite was studying the snoozing Jadeite. "He sure does sleep soundly," he remarked thoughtfully. He fished through his pack until he came up with a marker and turned back toward Jadeite, grinning evilly.

\--

"This may be greasy human tripe, but it's not half-bad, at least when you're starving," Zoisite remarked and took another bite of his hamburger.

"You weren't starving," Nephrite remarked, glancing around the roadside diner. They were getting an awful lot of strange looks -- maybe they should have eaten in the car. He shook his head and mentally berated himself -- what was he thinking? Let Zoisite into his car with food and drink? Not a chance!

"I wonder what's taking Jadeite so long?" Zoisite said, swirling a fry in ketchup.

Kunzite smiled dryly. "Yes, I wonder." He looked toward the rest rooms and saw their blonde compatriot approaching. His blue eyes darkened the closer he got to Zoisite.

"I owe you for this one, Zoi," he promised, taking his seat.

Zoisite put a hand over his mouth to stifle a giggle. "Aw, come on, Jade-chan. You don't like having rosy cheeks?"

"Not when it means having roses DRAWN on them in permanent red marker!" Jadeite cried, infusing his artificially red cheeks with yet more colour. "The soap and water in there didn't do a thing to it!"

"Maybe we can work on a spell in the car that'll take it off," Kunzite suggested. "It's just our teleporting that the sun spots are affecting -- not all of our magic."

Zoisite's eyes lit up and Nephrite really wished that Kunzite hadn't pointed that fact out.

"There's a car wash here," he said, standing up. "While you guys are finishing, I'm going to get them to wash the rest of that skunk off my car."

"If it works, maybe Jadeite could run through it to get rid of his make-up!" Zoisite couldn't restrain his laughter anymore and Jadeite threw a French fry at him in response. "Ew, that had KETCHUP on it!" Zoisite exclaimed and responded in kind. Another fry led to another fry and finally Jadeite cut to the chase and grabbed the ketchup squeeze bottle. Zoisite squealed and snatched the mustard, jumping up from his chair.

"All right, that's ENOUGH!" Kunzite declared, muscling his way in between them and receiving equal doses of ketchup and mustard across his pristine uniform for his efforts.

Zoisite gasped in horror. "Kunzite-sama! I-I'm so sorry!"

"Uh, yeah, me too," Jadeite gulped. "Sorry about that, Kunzite."

A snicker escaped Nephrite's lips, earning him a murderous look from Kunzite. "I'm going to go get that car wash," the auburn-haired King said and hastily exited the diner before his mirth earned him sure and sudden death.

\--

Zoisite was pouting and Nephrite didn't care. He was tired of the rock music and had decided that this leg of the journey would see the radio tuned to classical. Period.

"Jadeite's gone back to sleep again," Zoisite said grouchily. "But who can blame him? This music would do it to anyone."

"I only wish it would do it to YOU," Nephrite bit back. "Then I'd get some peace and quiet."

Zoisite formed a fireball in his hand and eyed Nephrite's hair.

"Zoisite," Kunzite said warningly. Just the one word, but colour flooded the younger King's cheeks and he dissipated the spell.

Nephrite gave Kunzite a sideways look. "If you ever bottle that effect, I'm buying."

\--

"I'm BORED," Zoisite whined. He moved forward and draped crossed arms over the edge of the seat. "Kunzite-sama, why don't you switch seats with Jadeite and we can be together back here?"

"I am High King of the Shitennou. I do not sit in the back."

Zoisite sighed. "Then let me drive so I can be up front with you."

"Not on your life!" Nephrite told him.

The young ponytailed man flopped back against his seat. "This is just great! Lousy music, no chance to drive, no Kunzite to cuddle against, and stuck back here with someone under Eternal Sleep!"

Jadeite snapped to attention, blue eyes wide and fearful. "Beryl-sama, no, don't do it!" He blinked and looked around uncertainly. "What just happened here?"

\--

Zoisite yawned. Nephrite's music really WAS going to put him to sleep! He eyed the radio thoughtfully, then grinned and held out a finger, directing a magical zap just strong enough to cause unbearable static.

"Ouch!" Nephrite winced and played with the buttons. After finding static on several stations, he clicked the radio off.

Zoisite smiled smugly. Good! Even no music was better than listening to that stuff any longer!

"Kunzite, take a look in the glove compartment, will you?" Nephrite asked. "I've got some classical CDs in there."

Jadeite gave the horrified Zoisite a wry look. "Nice try," he murmured.

\--

It was dark. Kunzite glanced over his shoulder and was instantly afraid not to see Zoisite there. Then he heard a soft sigh and looked further down to see his mate curled up on the seat with his head in Jadeite's lap. Jadeite was stroking Zoisite's soft hair and shrugged helplessly when Kunzite gave him a curious look.

"Hey, if it keeps him asleep and quiet for a while ...."

"Good point," Kunzite agreed. He looked toward Nephrite and saw the other King yawning. "All right, pull over."

"Huh?" Nephrite said, frowning in puzzlement.

"You've been driving all day, you're exhausted. I'm taking over."

"I'm too tired to argue -- fine with me." Nephrite pulled over to the side of the road and got out of the car. He glanced into the back seat as he walked around to Kunzite's side. "If Zoisite always looks that innocent when he's asleep, I might even start to understand why you keep him around."

"Everyone looks innocent in their sleep, Nephrite," Kunzite replied as they got back into the car.

Nephrite smiled wryly. "Even Queen Beryl?"

"Beryl doesn't sleep," Kunzite replied frankly, and turned the car back onto the road.

\--

"Jadeite, stop hogging the whole seat!"

"How much more do you want, Zoisite?! Will you only be happy if I get out and run behind the car?"

"Would you?"

Nephrite couldn't stand it anymore -- it had been like this all morning. "HEY!" he yelled, turning to face them. "Don't make me come back there!"

"What exactly would you do if they did?" Kunzite asked in amusement.

Nephrite folded his arms. "Throw BOTH of them out of the car and stretch out back there in comfort."

\--

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"NO, Zoisite! We are not there yet!" Nephrite shouted.

Zoisite pouted. "There's no need to yell."

"Then stop being annoying!"

"That's not annoying, Nephrite," Jadeite said with a mischievous smile. "What would really be annoying would be singing some repetitive song that goes on for an hour. Like--" he began to sing, "Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer!"

"If one of those bottles should happen to fall," Zoisite chimed in eagerly, "there'll be ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall!"

As they launched into the next verse of many, Nephrite sighed. "I could really go for a bottle of beer."

Kunzite glanced at him. "You're driving."

"Not to drink. To crack over their heads."

\--

"Twenty-one bottles of beer on the wall, twenty-one bottles of beer!"

Nephrite was nearing the end of his rope. Or his sanity. Either way, he had to get out of the car or he would give 'roadkill' a whole new meaning.

"We need gas," he said, noticing a road sign up ahead. "May as well grab some lunch, too -- there's a place coming up."

As soon as the car stopped, everyone gladly got out and stretched their legs.

"So THAT'S what fresh air smells like!" Jadeite remarked. "It seems like I've been breathing Nephrite's cologne for hours."

"You have," Zoisite reminded him, his nose wrinkling, "but I'm not so sure these gas fumes are any better."

"So who's going to pump the gas?" Nephrite asked. "I've done most of the driving, so I think --"

"You won't LET me drive, remember?" Zoisite snapped, crossing his arms. "And there's no way I'm getting my hands dirty!"

"I've never worked one of those pumps before," Jadeite remarked.

Kunzite sniffed. "I am High King of the Shitennou. I do not pump gas."

"Maybe not, but you're full of hot air," Nephrite muttered. Out loud he said, "Fine! I'll do it myself!" He stalked over to the pumps.

"We'll go inside and order food," Kunzite told him, and the three of them left.

\--

When the group had eaten, Zoisite hurried back to the car and hopped behind the wheel. Kunzite and Jadeite took their seats, but Nephrite loomed over him.

"Zoisite, you are NOT driving my car."

"Just for a little while?" the younger King asked, giving him a sweet smile. "I'm tired of looking at the back of your head."

"There's no way I'm getting into any car that _you're_ driving!" Nephrite declared.

"Suit yourself!" Zoisite said cheerfully and drove away, leaving Nephrite staring after the car, open-mouthed.

\--

For nearly an hour, the car had been silent. Zoisite was sulking, Jadeite was dozing, Nephrite was fuming and Kunzite never had been very chatty. Although Nephrite suspected that the High King had had a few words for his lover when he'd abandoned him at the gas station. At least enough to make the brat turn back to pick him up.

Zoisite sighed and looked around idly. Kunzite was studying that infernal map again. He could get his attention, but interaction was hard with his lover on the passenger side. He frowned toward Jadeite -- didn't he ever do anything but sleep? As for Nephrite, he would be happy if he never had to look at him again, so he didn't.

What else was there to look at? Outside, nothing but an endless highway of passing cars. One suddenly caught his attention as he remembered overhearing a pair of Earth kids play a game involving cars. He slammed his fist into Nephrite's shoulder and exclaimed, "Red Punch Buggy!"

"OWWYAAAAHHHHH!" Nephrite yelled as the punch caused him to steer the car into the other lane, nearly hitting the vehicle Zoisite had referred to. It gave him a loud honk of its horn as it zoomed off, and Nephrite pulled over to the side of the road. He turned in his seat to glare at Zoisite, who was also receiving accusing looks from Kunzite and Jadeite. The youngest King cringed back against his seat.

"No punch backs?" he said in a small voice.

\--

It felt to Nephrite like he'd been driving forever. After their past two days together, he was sick of the other Shitennou members, sick of roadside diners, even sick of his own car.

"When is this trip going to END?!" he exclaimed.

"Now," Kunzite said, folding his map.

"Huh?" Nephrite looked at him.

Kunzite nodded toward a point up ahead. "We're here."

"We ARE?!" Zoisite and Jadeite cried and were scrambling out of the car before it came to a full stop. The other two men got out as well, and the four of them stared at the sign for the resort.

"Kunzite-sama," Zoisite said slowly, "why does the sign say 'Closed for Renovations'? The Senshi can't possibly be here if it's closed."

Jadeite ran over to peer through the gate. "There are construction people in there, and the place is a mess. The guest parking lot is empty!"

"Something is very, very wrong," Nephrite growled.

"I'll contact Beryl." Kunzite conjured an image of Queen Beryl sitting on her throne in the Dark Kingdom. He and the other three Kings bowed.

"Queen Beryl," Kunzite said, "we have arrived at the Earth resort where you said the Senshi were vacationing, but it is closed."

"I know that," the Queen of Darkness replied, with a smile on her face that chilled rather than reassured. "The Senshi are not there. I arranged for you four to take this trip so that you could learn to work together and co-operate when you are in my service. We have no time to lose with petty fights and backstabbing when we are battling the Moon Kingdom!" She sat back and regarded their astonished faces with satisfaction. "Now then, return here at once and get back to work!"

The image disappeared and for a few moments, no one spoke.

"I vote we take the car to the Dark Kingdom and use it to run Beryl over," Zoisite said flatly.

For once, all of the Shitennou were in full agreement.

\--

(2004)

Sailormoon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi.

This fic is not to be re-posted.


End file.
